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Bears of Vengeance

December 6, 2007 Leave a comment Go to comments

I always thought the Old Testament was way more fun than the New simply because God kicked ass and took names. Apparently, the writers at Cracked.com agrees with me and compiled “The Nine Most Badass Bible Verses“. It’s like an ESPN highlight reel of all of God’s biggest smiting in the Old Testament. And God did a lot of smiting back in the day. [And God also talked a lot about sex in the Old Testament. From the Egyptians’ blessed endowment (Ezekiel 23:19-20 and #7 on the list) to this lovely verse from Song of Solomon, “I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers”].

My favorite from the list, however, is this gem from II Kings 2:23-24.

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

That’s right: Motherfucking bears. If God sent down more bears to maul people who don’t follow His Word, we would all be in a happier place. I certainly would not stray from the righteous path, for fear that heaven-sent bears will come down and eat my face.

Here’s an illustration from the article.

Warning! Bears!

My second favorite verse is from 1 Kings 18:24,38-40 and #3 on the list.

Religious Debate

This is how we should settle all religious debates. There would be less war and suffering.

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